Simply Complicated

For years, I’ve always thought that I was emotionally dysfunctional, I don’t have or I fear the ability to love or express emotions. I mean, I love my parents, my sister and my closest friends. In familial ways, I have loved I guess. But I don’t see romantic love stories in magical, fairy tale like way. When people start seeing things that way, they end up getting hurt at one point in one way or another. I’d rather enjoy life, like, breathe, or drink like there’s no tomorrow.

Earlier, I was surprised to hear another human saying things that I always fear would come out of my mouth eventually. I’m not a machine, I do feel. I’m quite emotional. But I always strive to be rational, reasonable and realistic as much as possible. I have my reasons. I’m not romantic or touchy-feely. I don’t even say I miss you or I love you to other people. Not even my family. I don’t think people will get me because I’ve seen some reactions. For years, it has always been the same reaction. The way people raise their voices or wrinkle their foreheads in disagreement. It’s not that I don’t believe in love. It’s just that I do think it’s not magic and you have to work hard for it to last. And I’m not the one to work hard forever.

Sometimes, you don’t need experience to build your own view of something. Most of the times, you just see and learn from others. I’ve always thought I was just so scared or socially abnormal, but hearing it from someone else makes me think that I quite have a point.

I now hear others screaming “you’ll be miserable” or “you’ll die alone” but I don’t think the person who confirmed I’m not insane is miserable. I’m not sure though. He’s actually as normal as required. He’s older than me but I won’t say he’s past his prime age. I mean, not in Philippine standards at least. I do think he can fish any girl he wants because he’s quite good looking and honestly, witty. To some people, there might be something wrong with him or maybe he’s gay. But I honestly do think there’s not and he’s not. He said everything well – the point I’ve been trying to make with other people for the past few years. If I could’ve recorded what he said I would use it for future debates. He made me feel sane for my beliefs.

If I could bring him to my friends and let him speak about love, marriage, and sex he would sure make them shut up and listen. It’s hard to talk about these things when you’re alone on the other side. My friends would always call me ma-pride, or naïve or scared. Yes, maybe I’m scared but at least I’m not in pain. I honestly can’t imagine myself in a relationship and I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. If the boyfriend has done something wrong, I don’t know how to confront him. I would probably just give him the eye, tell him he’s wrong, and that’s it. I wouldn’t go over a debate. And he wouldn’t probably beg me to because I don’t like losing an argument. I’d probably cry a bit, make myself clear, and let his guilt eat him up. If he’s done something sweet, I probably wouldn’t go saying “awww”. I would just say “you’re an idiot” which really translates into something sweet, maybe I love you, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just attack him with a kiss. I won’t say I miss you and before I’ve munched up all the courage to say I love you, I would probably be in tears because that would be so damn hard. But rest assured, that I’ll be most sincere. I don’t say things, I don’t mean. I don’t like sugar coating things. If there’s one guy out there who thinks that the sun shines out of my ass despite all these, well then, “you’re an idiot”.

Dear Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me,

I don’t really know if you’re mad at me, or if you’re keeping grudges. It may not be necessary at all, but I wanted to say I’m sorry.
When I recall about the corny love letters, the unreciprocated humour and the never ending chase, I smile because now, I can’t even imagine how you did all that. I’ve probably caused you a lot of humiliating moments, I may have even hurt you. The thing is, I can be most insensitive and I can be the other way around. Unfortunately for both of us, I was insensitive.
I remembered the promise letter you wrote on a piece of hand shaped cut illustration board. I won’t tell you what happened with that thing but I was so scared of the seriousness, my head suddenly spinned. That was the first time I actually realized, relationships, attachments, affections etc, scare me. They’re beautiful but scary. It’s like seeing a lion – you admire them, but you don’t want to pet them.
I admit that I enjoyed the attention, although sometimes, corny things make me sick. Back then I was so irritated for the things you were doing. Now, when I think of those, I appreciate them and I kept wondering, “how the hell did he managed to do it?” Some girls would even kill for a guy to do all those things. I felt like someone was reading a Nicholas Spark novel to me, and I just shoved on some expensive earphones. Yes, it has to be expensive.
The truth is, I kind of liked it but I really didn’t want to be involved with it. I make myself sick sometimes.  Sometimes, I even think it’s superficial. Or probably a Hollywood influence. But I’ve never really liked Hollywood until I was 17.
But here’s my point, after all those things, you deserve a sincere “sorry”. I owe you one. 

My Love-Hate Relationship with Romantic Love

Although I’m very much human, I sometimes (about 70%) look at things in black and white. I wonder why because there are also times when I’m too emotional to function. I’m not really into the idea of being a girlfriend (right now, maybe) let alone dream of my wedding. I can’t imagine myself walking down the aisle or whatever, and maybe you can generally say that I’m not a big fan of romantic love for myself. I mean, I’m happy for others but I don’t want it for me, right now.

Have you noticed I keep emphasizing the “right now” concept? 

I’ve been in a relationship, which didn’t felt like one or maybe I don’t really know what a relationship feels like. And because I know I’m not a lesbian and I love boys and I’m technically, biologically, in all angles, human, I tried figuring out why I’m like this.

Just think of me as Summer from 500 Days of Summer and a little bit like Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother.

1. I’ve had lots of crushes. I think I keep changing dream guys once a month, although I’ve been crushing on Zachary Levi for long now. But for people in my world, they don’t usually last 3 months.

2. I kind of don’t want to share anything yet. My last relationship was a wreck. I didn’t tell him personal things, I really didn’t trust him that much, I didn’t share myself (figuratively) to him and I wasn’t even enjoying the physical intimacy.

3. I can imagine casual flings with guys, but when a person is becoming a potential partner for fling I tend to keep away. WTH.

4. I don’t get why I’m not very touchy-feely, because I can wrestle with my boy friends and have my own personal dreams starring some guy but reality scares me.

5. I’m always scared that the feeling of loving could eventually go away. And the market does not sell hope to move on.

6. I’m always worried that the person is a mistake.

7. I keep imagining what ifs with other people.

I haven’t really told anyone although my closest friends do know that I’m not comfortable with sweetness and lovey-dubb stuff. I don’t even say I miss you to my friends. And I uttered the word I love you only to God and my cat. I feel that the whole concept of love is beyond explanation. Beyond psychometrics or chemistry, or even the philosophical love. Maybe I’m overanalyzing, but you cannot function with your brain only or your heart only. It has to be both. The sad thing is, there will always come a time that one of them will screw you up. I feel that love is bigger than all of us. And I feel that it’s too complicated and messy to have. But destiny’s a bitch.

At the end of the movie, Summer woke up one day knowing that she found the one.

Christmas Wishlist – because everyone is entitled to one. :)

Christmas is ON. Well, in the Philippines at least. It’s my, and 999,999,999 others’ favorite season. I love it because I get to give presents and wait anxiously until Christmas eve to see the look on their faces. I’ve handed our more decent gifts when I started college because I had the money. Now I have work, I think I might be able to give much more decent presents. If you are reading this, thank you. If you have the money, please consider. HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. No, I just thought – I’m not that old to withdraw my belief in Santa Claus. I could still make my wishlist. I mean, there’s no rule saying you can’t make one.

Wishing for love, world peace, cure to cancer are already given. I mean, who doesn’t want that? I’m just listing things I wanted, not necessarily a short-term gift but something I could really use.

1. A very nice Sony inner-ear headphones. – I don’t want and iPod or an iTouch. I mean, I have a phone which makes good music, super bass and clear treble. What I want is something to give justice to that. A nice earphones.

2. Nikon DSLR – my savings in college doesnt seem to accrue. I swore that my earnings would be for this thing but that would be selfish of me. I have other important things to buy and to save for, and I’m working because I want to help my family. I talked to one of my American boss and she agreed with me that photography is indeed an expensive hobby. But I don’t think I want a DSLR just for the sake of something hanging in my neck and people to get envy of. I want it because it’s an investment for me.

3. A new laptop – don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with my net book. I only have 2gb left in my drive but it’s still working fine. Strong as a horse. But I’m planning on giving it to my sister because she’s going to college, and I’m planning to buy one which will suit my needs best, because let’s face it, I need something to work on my work.

4. Someone to pick me up at work – I go off work at 12am and it’s not really the best time to take a stroll or taxi. I’m lucky my boss walks with me or my officemate sometimes would drop me in our condo. There are no FX, taxi’s last resort and I can’t walk if I’m alone and it’s raining hard. Hahahaha. Ooops, I think what I need is a driver and a car. But you know what I mean.

Maybe you’re expecting something that’s not beneficial for me. But just like Joey Tribbiani has said, everyone is selfish and even if I’m wishing things for someone, it’s actually for me to feel good about myself. No, that’s not the reason. I’m just enumerating MY wishlist. What’s so wrong?

On Being a Working Girl

I’ve been in my first job since college graduation for three weeks now. I’m still adjusting to my work. The mid-shift is definitely something to adjust to. And the lack of lutong-bahay (not a fast food) is something that is making me cranky. I feel like my body is going to collapse if I take one more fast food.

Anyway, I’m proud that I’m involved in a very big company. I am still on probation so I have four months to give 110% of my best and be able to get a stable job.

Anyway, my payday in only two weeks away and I’m so excited to have my first check! Oh, this would be so awesome.

Apologies to the lack of quality posts. My workplace prohibits many websites and wordpress is one of them. I’ll get back on the weekend. Love lots.

Her New Interest

My sister, 15, has been spending a lot more time in the computer and I always catch her using Photoshop. I see her doing contours of women but I have never seen the finish products, if there are. I thought she was just happily editing nude drawings she found on the internet.

Last nght, I got a good look on what she was doing and man, was I amazed. She has always been good with arts but this was something new, and slightly odd for a 15 year old girl.

 

She asked me to post this in my blog. Let me know what you think.

 

 

 

Dear people that doesn’t share my religious belief,

You don’t have the right to tell me that I have the wrong faith and you cannot tell me that I’m doing rituals or prayers wrong. The fact that it is my faith, makes it perfect. This is where respect comes in. And this is where I draw the line where you cannot shove down your beliefs to my throat.

You cannot tell me my bible is wrong and I cannot tell you the same. The thing about this is we don’t have a concrete evidence of our belief and that is why we call this faith.

I strive to understand and respect other people’s belief. They maybe completely opposite to mine but as long as they don’t harm me or make fun of my faith, we’re good.